DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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