Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
