mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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