I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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