our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
