god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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