I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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