i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
