alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
