I think scott just propositioned me for sex
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
