Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
