and you said cock pushups were impossible
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
