ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
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