My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
