In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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