i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
