I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
