My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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