My underwear smells like fireworks.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
