mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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