"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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