you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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