the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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