I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
