Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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