I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
