Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
