I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
