I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
