So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
