someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
dude. I can hear the air.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
