I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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