All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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