im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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