ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
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