Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
