I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
