Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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