Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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