this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
