I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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