Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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