JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
