Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
