i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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