I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
