The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
He passed out mid-signature
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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