Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
