i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
