I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
