Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
